Which Type of Client Are You?

Here at Valencia Property we love working with our clients. We generally get really nice people to work with who we click with and we work very well together. This is probably because there is a natural filter on the website in the descriptions of the properties and the tone of both the descriptions and the blogs, irreverant, tongue in cheek, cheeky and light.

It's not for us to be the suited and booted agents you find elsewhere, dry and without any defined personality. Some people may prefer that and as a result we might not see them as they won't get in touch with an agent that describes a house to the tune of a Mariah Carey song, one that is described as An Ecumenical Matter or one that talks about my semi-obsession with Baileys. They'll just go with the agents wearing ties that describe square metres, bedrooms and double glazing. (You can find those details in the features part of our website but there's no point describing a window now is there?)

However, not every client that comes through is our ideal client just like we aren't the ideal agent for some people, so today we are going to take a look at the types of clients we sometimes get. As usual it's tongue in cheek, not at all serious and don't think that next year we will be using you as an example, we wouldn't do that! With thanks to David for most of the suggestions below, let's go, and let's hope you are not a Tom, a Freddie, a Patrick or most importantly, a Marvin.

The Ideal Client

I wrote an article about how to work with Valencia Property a few weeks ago. It describes the steps you need to take to work with us so we can find you your ideal place in the most efficient manner. We get loads of clients who follow the steps and work with us perfectly and we very quickly find them their perfect property, it's often in the first few we show because of the work we do before we even start visits. If you want to be our ideal client then read the article and get in touch. However not everyone is the ideal client. Let's take a look at some of the types of clients that we sometimes see, and some of them are ideal clients by the way. Some most definitely aren't.

The Patrick Stewart


The Patrick Stewart has been here for years, has been around, has been blacklisted by every agent in the city and then decides to contact us to dig that nugget out of the deep underground that they haven't seen previously. And you know, sometimes we find it, that pearl in the shell that was previously hidden and they love it....

Of course they still don't buy it because .... well, because one of the windows is the wrong shape, or a dog looked at them in a funny way in the street on the way to the apartment, or it's raining today, or... or... or...

The truth is they will never, ever make a decision because nothing measures up to the first place they should have bought years ago which was perfect but they didn't jump on it quick enough (In the six months it was for sale). Things are 50% more expensive now but their budget has remained the same so they are never comparing like with like. And for ever more "The Patrick" will still be able to say that he has seen it all.

Mr Happy

Enjoys the ride, the chit chat and can see the good in every property. A rare find, somewhat akin to having your birthday, Xmas, and your wedding anniversary rolled into one (The gif sums up our faces when we get a Mr Happy). The difficulty with Mr Happy is often that they find it hard to decide which of the properties is going to be "The One" because all of them could work!

Casper the Friendly Ghost


Seems friendly enough, keen and willing to tag along for the company, in fact somewhat akin the Mr Happy above while here. Wants a second day of visits, then a third perhaps, then even second visits to places they have seen to make a final choice and then they pull a “Paul Daniels/David Copperfield” (Delete according to your nationality/cultural reference points) never to be seen or heard from again. With the Casper we always finish up asking ourselves whether they just have a hobby of looking at houses in various locations or seeing how far they can push agents before we break.

The High Roller


Dutch, always Dutch (Not all Dutch are like this but all high rollers of this type are Dutch).

Promises to buy twenty properties then doesn't even set the ball rolling with the first one. Best friends forever with Casper the Ghost it seems as the same post visit communication skills exist here. Can often be seen/heard on "a very important phone call" when we are trying to show the properties. Never listens to what we tell them about cost and returns on rental and then asks the questions we have just spent the last ten minutes talking about before looking down at their phone and not listening again.

Usually doesn't even offer to buy coffee on one of the many stops between properties. That's the tell.


The Leech

Likes to meet for lengthy discussions, question times and numerous coffees. Loves the blog (Doesn't everyone? - GH) and all the insider info that twenty odd years of experience brings. Will bleed you dry then soon move on to another host/agent. May eventually develop into a Patrick Stewart further down the line then come back having seen it all.  

The Tom Cruise


Completely unrealistic expectations and dodgy wardrobe but ironically, unlike the films, has a terrible budget. Yes he's Mr Mission Impossible, the type of person who thinks that 80k will get you a villa with arches with sea views on a gated estate with a vineyard and tennis court... and huge pool... and ten car garage... and 24 hour security and then blames you for not showing them anything remotely matching their requirements. There's a reason we have a contact form for people wanting to take the first step to buying their own Valencia Property. The Tom Cruises of this world who phone up because they are "on the ground" and want to see stuff "tomorrow" are why. There's generally a reason we are full and busy with clients who have contacted us months before even if we are not!

Mr Friends and Family


Appreciative of the the help and the advice they have been given by all of the members of their extended family but has been here for 8 years and still hasn't grown a pair to buy anything. They will text you 12 at night because you're mates of a mate's mum's friend's dog's owner who mentioned that you might be able to help them out to find a place. And the truth is we could! However they will never take that final step because the reason your mate has passed your name on is because they are sick of them not being able to make a decision.     


Mr Dark Horse


"Don't get your hopes up he’ll never buy, ah they just made an offer at asking price on the first one they saw".

Yes, we love the dark horse. The person who plays their cards close to their chest on their first visit because they already know what they are going to buy, they just haven't told us yet! In fact they may not have told us anything as they are so quiet on and between visits.

(And yes, it is obligatory to have an Office gif when we do one of our gif posts)

The Freddie

Similar to the Tom Cruise but with slightly better sartorial choices, the Freddie comes from Freddie and the Dreamers, an early 60s Beat Combo from Manchester. Freddie wants things that don't exist rather than just having unrealistic expectations like the Tom.

The Freddie wants an apartment in the dead centre of Valencia with sea views or a villa on a cliff overlooking the Med or an apartment with waste disposal unit and rubbish chute or a townhouse with garden and pool within five minutes of the centre of Valencia walking. The Freddie wants things that are mutually exclusive, do not exist and have never existed. However he is happy, nay ecstatic to pay up to 100k for the privilege so that's good (As long as the bank will give him a 120% mortgage).

Yes, the Freddie is a dreamer but he's not the only one. There are various Freddies every year who need to be disabused of the notions that have erroneously brought them to have those dreams or impressions. Sometimes our job is to let people down lightly, sometimes our job is to stare at someone in disbelief and wonder which early 2000s episode of A Place in the Sun they have just watched before coming over.

The Marvin

Marvin the paranoid android from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy TV series

Not because they are marvellous like Marvin Hagler, no no no no no. They are known as Marvin in honour of the Paranoid Android from the "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" (BBC Version shown). They may have a brain the size of a small planet but still they pull a face constantly and find fault at every turn, "No oat milk at the coffee shop!!! Oh ffs my life is not worth living".
The Marvin will never be satisfied because as Mrs Doyle says below...

The Influencer/Minor Celeb


Spends more time on the phone than looking at the properties. Too busy to listen, asks a question then cba to listen to the answer just like the High Roller. However the reason they cba to listen is because they are too busy taking a photo for their Insta/TikTok/Snapchat and making sure it's the right filter and the right light and then taking it again when it isn't. May also have larger than normal nasal orifices and be a tad hyper with a penchant for Colombian Marching Powder (Yes, this one is from experience)

The Racist Uncle

It has been a long time since we had one of these but it happens at times. Our filters generally mean we don't get these type of clients, you know the ones,

"Well, back at home you never see a white face these days, never hear English being spoken" etc...

You can be sure though that we treat them with the appropriate respect when we have one... we quickly cancel all visits due to... Covid or something, drop them off... somewhere... and become Casper the Ghost ourselves.

The Bertie Bassett

The Bertie Bassett is when a client doesn’t know either what they want or where they want it. You can see what we mean when you see the list of favourites of the Bertie marked in Idealista. It’s because of this that we ask for requirements prior to a visit. Let's face it, if the client doesn't know what they want it's going to be pretty difficult to find it.

Over 200km of favourites


The Twitchy Renter

The Twitchy Renter sees the agent as a tour guide to take them to see lovely properties all over the place which bear no relation to each other in style, price or location. A bit like the Bertie Bassett, see above, but the Twitchy Renter already lives in Valencia, very comfortably renting but paying a ridiculous amount for that rental and that relationship between the comfort of the rental and the pain of the monthly rent makes them want to see other places which could be theirs.

However, they will never choose a place as the pain of the rental every month is not quite enough to make anywhere else seem worth it because the rental has been their home for a couple of years and is comfortable. This current itch they need to scratch will not end in a purchase and in a year's time we will be asked to take them to see other things which will be more expensive and suit them less because their budget has now reduced after another year of paying out a painful rental. 


New Entry: The Kiakib

"Know it all, know it better". We can't tell them anything because despite a quarter of a century of on the ground experience their three whole days at an Airbnb in the Malvarrosa while walking round the city has given them more knowledge than we can ever accumulate.

They know they can get a full house in the Cabanyal for 100k because the place they are staying cost that including the modernisation according to the owner (It might have done ten years ago). This client also has one fascinating part of their "personality" compared with all other clients, they are almost always extremely rude, especially when we tell them "it ain't gonna happen". We are yet to be proved wrong by a Kiakib.

New Entry: The Realtor

We have had a flurry of "realtors" recently who know how it works, know how not to be a pain to us hahaha because that's the job we have too and they know the process from start to finish. Sure they do. The realtor dances the hokey cokey. They'll put the offer in, take the offer out, in out in out and shake it all about. They'll do the hokey cokey and turn around and that's what it's all about.

The Pigeon

"Don't take us for pigeons". We have written before on this blog about this French saying and it has been applied to many French clients but not exclusively French.

"For that type of client we are thinking of introducing an upfront fee, there’s usually a clue in their initial mail. They always know better. They are generally extremely rude. I really should let it lie but it’s just so tempting to respond in kind. (We are not potential Pigeons” is a French term meaning “we weren’t born yesterday“.)

Is it just me who reads that last line as a big huge “Go F*ck yourself” or am I getting tetchy in my old age? Can’t wait to sell the property and then send them news that it is now sold as a very personal “We wish you good luck” too. (And guess what, it sold at asking price three days after we received this message)

So there you have it, some ideal clients and some.... less than ideal clients.

Do you see yourself reflected there?

Of course, none of our wonderful clients who bought in the last few years fall into the less than ideal client category and of course neither will you, our readers are all Mr Happy, The Ideal Client or the Dark Horse... but we have seen many less than ideal clients. Don't become a Marvin, a Patrick or a Tom... please!

Last Chance to Enter Our Competition

Remember we have a prize draw this year and everyone who bought a property through us this year will be entered into our prize end of year draw to win a gorgeous framed print from the collection of Mike Hall, a mapmaker living and working here in Valencia.

We have chosen a map of Spain of course for the prize to brighten up anyone’s wall, in this case Mike’s full railway map of Spain. You can see it above. In order to win you just have to do one thing. All of our clients who have bought this year are entered into the draw and given a number taken from our database of when people bought. We will draw the winning number and then cross reference it with a positive review on Google or Facebook. If there is no review we can find then we will draw a second number and do the same again and so on. So we will be sending this message out to everyone who bought a property from us this year and we will be making the draw on the same day as the Spanish Xmas Lottery draw on the 22nd of December.

Now we can’t leave you out if you haven’t bought yet or who have bought in previous years. For those of you in this situation we will be having another draw. All of you who have already posted a review of us and those of you who haven’t yet but you mention how good our website and blog are will be entered into the second draw and we will be getting a second map and framing it ready for your purchase or to adorn your wall that you have had for a few years.

Again you can post the review on Facebook or Google (preferably both ;-)), click the links above, and send us a link to your review. We will give numbers and draw one at random to the winner. This second prize will be even easier to win as I guarantee we will have fewer entries than sales we have made this year. Most people don’t bother so if you do the chances of you winning are extremely high. Just to insist, a positive review on Google and/or Facebook and send us the link to our email, information@valencia-property.com

Golden Visa Property Of The Week

When you are looking to buy a property, its always great when you find a place that lets you know exactly where you are. Some apartments can be really comfortable and modern, but really, you could be anywhere.

This apartment, on the other hand, couldn't be more Valencian even if it came up to you in a 'Lim Out' t-shirt, gave you a bag of oranges from its uncle's huerto, and tried to persuade you that Valencian is definitely not just a dialect of Catalan all while being double-parked on a bus lane.

The Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty or the Big Ben of Valencia, the City of Arts of Sciences is spread out below you in the view from this ninth floor balcony. This apartment also happens to be comfortable and modern, which helps. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, marble floors, climalit windows and central heating/aircon.

But really, its all about the views. How many times would you have to watch the sunset over this vista before you got sick of it? Only one way to find out, get in touch.

Property Of The Week

So not long to go now, just a few more sleeps, its the most wonderful time of the year and i’m sure you cant wait... to get it all over with and start making plans for Valencia in 2023. A lot of our clients have already been in touch and given us their dates and we have a pretty full calendar in January, after the 6th that is, because that's another holiday.

So just before we get started on the Cadburys Heroes and Mince Pies and Graham disappears for a long walk with only a bottle of Baileys to keep him company, lets take a look at this cracker for one lucky client arriving in the New Year.

A cute little single storey villa on a low maintenance and manageably sized plot hidden down a quiet street but only 2kms from the town, thanks to its slightly elevated position there's plenty of views from the covered terrace and also the cross breeze that the locals rave about and believe me, in the summer you’ll know what they mean. Three decent bedrooms, two bathrooms, living room with chimney that St Nick has no chance of getting down and a good sized kitchen that overlooks that weird jacuzzi/pool, which definitely needs an Almax, an aspirin and a glass of water. Included on the deeds is a useful annexe to hide the presents, or yourself from the guests, Bah Humbug! and if you were wondering, the reason for sale is the D word, which reminds me of family times at Xmas and daddy kissing Santa Claus.

Seasons greetings and good will to nearly all men

Bonus Ruzafa Apartment

Look, we're in Russafa/Ruzafa now, so there's no point complaining about the price of property here. That ship sailed a long time ago. However, if you are going to spend a significant amount of money on something, it may as well be good, right?

Well this great. Fifth floor, just on the edge (but not in the middle) of the busy Russafa area. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms including one en suite. Totally renovated, in a building that has been totally renovated too. There is also a garage space available in the basement if wanted.

Open kitchen / living room area, but cleverly you can close off the kitchen by sliding glass doors. Useful to keep smells and noise to a minimum without losing the open-plan feel of the apartment. There's a nice balcony overlooking the street so you feel connected to the barrio even while in the apartment.

No, its not cheap, but as I said, it is great. If you want to live in Russafa, probably the most popular neighbourhood of the city, you may as well do it properly. Get in touch

If You Liked This...

Then maybe check out some of our previous posts, including some of the gif ones. Just click on the images to be taken to the posts

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